Grief and Loss, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Realities of loss

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Baby things…

I’m a hands on learner. I learn the best by doing. When I found out I was pregnant on Feb. 10th, I panicked. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant, and couldn’t see myself as a Mother. Having a raspberry sized shrimp looking human inside of me, wasn’t enough of a physical change to make me feel like the pregnancy was real. I wasn’t sick. My back hurt and I felt bloated, as if I had just eaten a hundred Thanksgiving dinners. It wasn’t enough to feel connected. It wasn’t enough to just know. So I bought things that I could hold and see. I know some might critique this, but this is how I came to accept Baby B into my life. I spent the first week after learning –detached, and the second week –apologizing. The third week I started nesting. I started becoming comfortable with the idea. Comfortable with the little life that I hoped to hold one day, and treat to all the goodies I was collecting. And so yes, it does hurt now. It hurts very badly to see all these baby things. It’s a deep pain. But it’s also a reminder of all the emotions I felt, and the genuine love that multiplied tenfold, despite my initial hesitations, as my pregnancy progressed. It’s a reminder that I changed. It’s a reminder that I grew and adapted. It’s a reminder of a beautiful little friend that I had. A beautiful little friend that I miss. And that’s okay…

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